The end of a relationship is a period rife with self-doubt and self-loathing as we try to identify our own culpability, says Jesse Kahn, LCSW, CST, director and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in NYC. “Often, people use breakups as evidence that they are unloveable.” This is of course not true—breakups are a normal part of life—but in the midst of grief, many people tend to take the loss personally. That’s why, according to Kahn, learning to love yourself again is an essential step in the healing process. But (and this is important!), “If this goes on for more than a couple of days, you need to seek out a mental health care professional,” she says. “They’ll be able to help you take steps toward healing.” RELATED: How To Find The Best Therapist For Your Needs: A Guide You might even buy a little kid’s chore or potty chart and give yourself a sticker each time you hit your goal, she says. “You can choose sparkly or scented stickers to up your game or give yourself a point each time you meet your goal.” It might sound silly, but Shane says, “It’s a great physical representation that you are totally capable of meeting whatever goal you set your mind to!” But be cautious about sharing every single thought about your ex that enters your brain with your pals. New York psychologist Marianna Strongin, Psy.D., PLLC, notes that excessively talking about your ex can, at a certain point, stall healing. That’s why Kahn says, “Make sure you’re talking about other topics, not related to your ex, as well.” Trust; the friendship will be better for it. “Your friends love you [and] want to show you that they love you, but they’re not mind-readers,” she says. “You need to clue them in to the fact that you want some extra attention and time together so that they can show up for you!” Fair. When a judgmental thought enters your mind, acknowledge it, then replace it with a positive thought. For instance, “I am doing the best I can. And I am doing great.” Or, “I am in the process of becoming the best version of myself.” One study published in the journal Psychosomatic Medicine examined writers post-divorce and concluded that writing specifically about the split is more beneficial for your mental health than any other kind of writing. So you might try writing on the following prompts: If worst comes to worst and you are without your phone when you begin to spiral into nostalgia, try counting backward from 300…by 7’s. Strongin offers one important caveat: “Don’t use this as a way to keep talking or thinking about your ex. It’s also possible this keeps you from moving forward.” So, if these tear-jerkers make you feel trapped, hopeless, or pessimistic instead of understood and hopeful, try a different genre. For example… RELATED: How To Masturbate: 25 Tips & Tricks From A Sex Therapist If you’re planning to get under someone to get over someone else, don’t be a dick: Make sure the “rebound” is aware of your heartbroken status, says Stubbs. Not only is that the most fair thing for them, but it’ll also prevent you from getting into a sticky situation that post-breakup you probably doesn’t have the energy to deal with. In fact, a 2012 study published in Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking surveyed 464 participants and found that staying friends with an ex on Facebook was associated with a more difficult emotional recovery from a breakup and less personal growth, compared to those who unfriended. If you’re nervous about making this digital boundary and enforcing the no-contact rule, you can always send a text like: “Hey! I just wanted to let you know that I unfollowed you on Instagram. Until I heal from this breakup, I need a little space from your content. Hope you understand.” When your heart is healed you can always go back and click “follow” if you feel moved to do so. But that doesn’t mean throwing it all into a firepit and lighting it up. “The goal isn’t to be vindictive. The goal is to remove any reminders of someone who no longer serves your happiest life,” says Shane. So if it doesn’t put your safety at risk, put their stuff in a pile and arrange an exchange or drop-off, she says. Otherwise, donate it to charity. In addition to intercepting future thoughts that might be triggered by having their stuff around, according to Kahn, “The actual process and ritual of cleaning and removing your ex’s belongings from your space can be cathartic.” But don’t linger in this negative thought place for too long. Reminding yourself of the bad times may help you fall out of love faster, but the researchers found that distraction is the best way to increase positive overall outlook in life. Meaning, think your judgy thoughts, but then throw your energy into something else—bowling, birdwatching, or whatever it may be. So, as Kahn says, “Try not to judge yourself for how long it’s taking you to get over your ex.” Instead, take comfort in knowing that you will not feel like this forever.
