Here’s everything you need to know about demisexuality and what it means to identify as demisexual. The term demisexual first popped up on the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network, Queen explains, after a user shared their experience of “not being sexually attracted to people without first forming an emotional connection.” Your answers to these questions might give you a better understanding of your place on the sexuality spectrum. Demisexual people do experience sexual desire, but they don’t tend to spontaneously want to have sex with people they don’t really know or aren’t that close with yet. “Because feelings of connection or intimacy function as the key to unlock sexual attraction, it is quite possible that a demisexual will experience more sexual feelings for their good friends than either an asexual or allosexual would—though this would not be out of the allosexual range altogether,” she says. “For example, they might find themselves drawn in by the way someone thinks—a form of intellectual attraction. Alternatively, they might build a bond through repeated experiences that feel romantic. Often, there is some combination of different forms of attraction at play,” Tanner says. That’s not to say demisexual people don’t experience physical attraction at all; it just may not be the focus of what draws them to someone initially and what excites them about a partner. The sexuality spectrum holds a number of sexual identities and expressions. And as language and humans evolve, that number will only grow. As such, there are folks who easily identify with more than one sexual identity. Demisexuality describes where a person falls on the allosexual–asexual spectrum, but it doesn’t necessarily describe what kinds of people you are and aren’t attracted to, which is where other identity terms might come in. So, for example, a person could be both gay and demisexual, bisexual and asexual, or a completely different combination. “In many ways, sexuality is a fluid process in learning through the experience of connection. There are so many ways to be intimate that go beyond sexual, and in many ways, demisexuality orients you toward wanting to experience a broader spectrum of intimacy than just sexual,” White adds. When it comes to sexual pleasure and demisexuality, the overall approach will vary from person to person. But the more time you spend connecting with yourself and discovering your feelings around sex, the better you’ll be able to please yourself and openly communicate your needs to your partner(s). This will also help you to articulate what you don’t want when it comes to sexual pleasure. “You absolutely should not feel obligated or pressured to engage in a sexual experience that you are not comfortable with,” White says. “Remember to do what you feel works best for you. With that being said, don’t be afraid to try new things in the bedroom with yourself or a partner, if you’re up for it. Make sure to set boundaries with your partner and also yourself.” She also points out that masturbation could play a bigger role in the life of a demisexual individual since the deep connections they require with their partners may not always come quickly. She suggests taking it at your own pace. If your partner has a lower sex drive than you or simply isn’t interested in sex just yet due to their demisexuality, White recommends approaching with an “‘I’ perspective, accompanied by a specific desire, as well as a bridge statement wanting to understand the way they feel as well.” For example: White says it’s worth keeping in mind that you don’t always need to immediately find a solution during these conversations, but your focus should remain on deepening your connection with your demisexual partner. And remember, there’s no rush. Take your time to allow your intimacy to naturally emerge. Especially with demisexual people, building your emotional connection as a couple will be key to building a sexual connection. In the meantime, it can be helpful to find other ways of exploring intimacy together. White recommends using love languages to understand how to best do that. “Your love language is essentially how you and your partner express appreciation and love. Just like sexuality, the way we communicate our love can vary,” she says. “Having a better understanding of how you are building intimacy in various ways can help encourage more gratitude and appreciation for your connection, as well as minimizing hurt.” “For folks with marginalized identities, having a shared language can create a sense of community and safety in a world that is often unsupportive of diversity. Whereas straight, cis folks can move through the world feeling fairly certain that the majority of people they meet will share those identities, folks who have marginalized sexual identities cannot. Furthermore, these identities are often invisible, so appearance alone does not indicate whether or not an identity is shared,” Tanner tells mbg. Labels also have the power to “give you more confidence in creating boundaries and expectations in your relationships that feel loving and supportive to you,” according to White. And as you evolve and grow in your sexuality, it’s totally acceptable to explore new labels. “Stay open and honest with yourself, and utilize labels in service of confirming who you are as a sexual being in that moment,” White says.
