Many of the best breakup guides tell the brokenhearted to lean on their friends. But what if you’re the friend they tap on, and you have no clue where to start? As a friend, you may feel a heart tug to help but you don’t know how. You may feel compelled to share comforting words but hesitate because you don’t want to say the wrong thing. You may want to check in on your friend but don’t want to overstep. Togun-Butler describes a support system as a group of people (like family, friends, and colleagues) who provide emotional support in a time of crisis. This support can even protect against both physical and mental illness3, she adds, as well as help the heartbroken person develop more effective coping mechanisms. Depending on where you decide on your friend’s breakup journey to get involved, your role as a friend can vary. Leaning into the concept of impact versus intent is key. You need to think through how your actions will actually impact your friend—because this breakup is not about you. “We love our friends and think we know them best, but I would refrain from offering advice if your friend isn’t looking for it,” sex and love educator Jayda Shuavarnnasri tells mbg. “And if you’re not sure, just ask them! Some things you can ask: ‘Do you want me to be petty? Do you want me to hype you up? Do you need to vent to me right now?’” Let your friend take the lead for how they want to process their breakup. “No matter how it ended, I try to remind myself that we are all human, including my exes,” Shuavarnnasri says. “Rather than forcing myself to feel a particular way, I allow conflicting feelings to exist at the same time and say, ‘This person really hurt me, what they did was not OK, and I still care about them.’ This doesn’t mean that I justify their feelings or even have to forgive them. It also doesn’t mean something is wrong with me for continuing to love them. It just means we’re all human.” “Try not to pass judgment on how a person chooses to heal,” Shuavarnnasri says. They add, “If your friend engages in behaviors that are destructive, be the compassionate friend who can lovingly support them to behave in ways that are more aligned to their values.” Shuavarnnasri says practicing nonviolent communication skills can help in these situations. Nonviolent communication is “when we use empathy and compassion within our language,” they explain. This can sound like, “I know all of this is really hard, and I know you’re trying your best. I’m also noticing some behaviors that might be hindering your healing process. Are you open to hearing my suggestions?” This example demonstrates how centering your friend, their values, and their feelings is key to moving them through the process of a breakup. Breakups are different for everyone. Setting a time limit on expected healing milestones isn’t helpful, nor is it realistic. As Shuavarnnasri points out, healing is not a linear process. There may be days when it feels like your friend is doing well, then all of a sudden they seem “back to where they started.” In actuality, all emotions are welcome as part of the process, no matter what order they show up in. (Here’s more on how long it takes to get over a breakup.) Showing kindness, empathy, and nonjudgment can take some time to develop, but you’ll never learn if you don’t try. Even if it’s your first time creating a safe space for your friend, you can communicate what you’re trying to do—and, as mentioned earlier, follow their lead. “When it comes to supporting someone through text, I would lean toward words of affirmation and continuing to remind the person that the pain they’re feeling is totally normal,” Shuavarnnasri shares. “Text is limiting for true reflection conversations, so when I know a friend is having a rough moment, I’m usually a sounding board, validating their feelings and making sure they don’t feel alone.” Validating feelings can sound like: Shuavarnnasri also adds, “As friends we often want to share advice or share our personal experience with breakups, but that might not always be helpful. Before sharing advice, ask the person if that’s what they need or if they just need to be heard.” They recommend thinking about the five stages of grief as a guide to help think about the post-breakup grieving process: “There is no time limit or rush when it comes to healing. It can be hard to witness people we love in pain, and sometimes we want to rush them through the process, but as I mentioned before, healing isn’t linear, and it can take two days or two years for someone to finally feel free from their breakup.” So as a friend, it can be helpful to guide the brokenhearted through questions like: As a friend, you’re a special person in their life who knows the little things about them that make them smile. The small act of help can be something like curating the list of K-dramas, making sure they have other cozy accessories to match their cozy sweater, helping them get ingredients to cook their favorite meal, or going on a walk with them. It could be a great time to rediscover layers of your friendship. Perhaps you met at a dance class, and you can learn a new routine together. Or you might enjoy beauty, so you try out a new skin routine together. Anything that can bring out joy in your friend is a good starting point. “If we are concerned about the length of time a friend is grieving the loss of a relationship because it is impacting their daily functioning, we can encourage them to speak to a professional such as a therapist. A therapist can help them work through their emotions and cope effectively with the loss of the relationship,” Togun-Butler says. Catahan currently runs, writes, and lives in San Francisco.
