Important note: The only way to find out exactly why your wife is not interested in sex is to ask her yourself. Research, psychologists, and Google can offer ideas, but only your wife herself can tell you why she doesn’t want to have sex with you: What to do about it: Make sure your wife has some time to herself to relax and feel restored. Also, make sure you share the housework equally, including the mental load. If your wife feels less overburdened with household responsibilities—and sees you making an active effort to take on your share of the load—you might find she has more time, energy, and interest in sex. This isn’t a tit-for-tat sort of thing, though. You should make an effort to equally share the responsibilities because you care about her and your relationship, not because you hope it’ll win you sex. What to about it: Have an earnest, exploratory conversation with each other about what sex means to you both as individuals, and then talk about how you can create a mutually satisfying sex life that works for both of you. It can be helpful to have this conversation with the help of a sexuality professional, such as a sex therapist or coach. It may also help to learn about different forms of desire discrepancy. “Some of the pressure comes from the idea that you ‘should’ be having sex. Some of it comes from knowing that your partner is unhappy,” she writes at mbg. “There is also much more pressure on any sex you do have since it’s happening less frequently; it feels like there is much more at stake each time the two of you are intimate. Of course, all this pressure makes it harder for sex to seem to go well.” In other words, pressure makes for bad sex even when you actually end up having it, and all that pressure and bad sex might make your wife just lose interest in sex completely. What to do about it: “You need to take the stress out of sex in three steps: Challenge your expectations, communicate effectively with your partner, and take the pressure off by using new physical experiences,” Zimmerman advises. Here’s her full guide to overcoming the sexual avoidance cycle, plus how to support a lower-libido partner. “The typical, goal-oriented ‘round-the-bases’ approach to sex doesn’t inspire, arouse, or satisfy women,” relationship coach Bez Stone writes at mbg. “Feeling expected to have sex a certain way, or feeling like you need to have intercourse if you explore desire with your partner, can actually strangle a woman’s libido over time.” What to about it: Learn how to make a woman have an orgasm and how to make sex better for women. Also, expand your definition of sex. Have sexual experiences together that don’t revolve around intercourse. Ask your wife what she likes and what would be sexy and pleasurable for her. Here are some foreplay ideas for inspo. When’s the last time you two had a long, heartfelt conversation? Or a genuine, romantic, butterflies-in-the-stomach exchange? There are many types of intimacy, and they tend to dovetail. If you two feel more like roommates than romantic partners, sex may just feel awkward or unappealing. What to do about it: Make time to emotionally connect with each other and rekindle your soul connection. Bring back date night (without the pressure to have sex), or simply spend more time talking to each other about your inner worlds: your feelings, your fears, your frustrations, your hopes and dreams. Really connect. What to do about it: Address the ongoing conflicts in your relationship. Ask your wife about how she’s feeling about the relationship, about you, and about your life together, and see how you can get your relationship back to a good place. “The identity of a young parent can become entirely entwined with that of the children. We lose ourselves. We often have no relationship with our partner outside of that shared with the children,” OB/GYN Susan Hardwick-Smith, M.D., writes in her book Sexually Woke. “Having small children is a frequent and legitimate excuse for not having sex.” Maybe you’ve started treating your wife differently, too—more likely a mom figure even to you, and less like a wife and lover and sexual being. What to do about it: Make sure your wife knows you see her as a sexy being—compliment her often, give her simmering kisses and affectionate touch, and do these things without tying the gestures to requests for sex. Just do it to make her feel good. Zimmerman also recommends getting some time away from the kids regularly so that you can re-immerse yourselves in your identities as individuals and as a couple outside of your roles as parents. Here’s her full guide to prioritizing sex as parents. What to do about it: Learning to love your own body is a personal journey, so this isn’t really something you can fix for her just by giving her compliments (though that can certainly help!). If you have a hunch your wife is dealing with body image issues, gently bring it up with her, and see if there are ways you can support her—without making it seem like you’re critiquing her body or suggesting she needs to change the way she looks. If sex is becoming harder, less pleasurable, or more painful to have, it makes sense that a woman may lose interest in having it at all. What to do about it: Using lube can help immensely with vaginal dryness and pain, and including more clitoral stimulation and sex toys can help make sure sexual experiences continue to be pleasurable for your wife. It may also be helpful for her to speak with her doctor to see if there are other treatment options that might help. All that said, unless your wife has a known health condition that she’s currently managing—or she’s had a very sudden and significant change in her sex drive—don’t assume that her lack of interest in having sex with you means something is medically wrong with her. Start by considering and working through any and all interpersonal, emotional, and relationship issues. Addressing these issues will likely buoy your sex life naturally. What to do about it: If you’ve talked about all the other reasons on this list and mutually feel great about your relationship (talk to her about this—don’t assume!), then it’s worth her talking to her doctor. Or if your wife does have a known medical issue, talk to each other about how your sex life might be being affected and ways you can work together to keep your sex life healthy. She can also talk to her doctor to see what options are available to support her libido. What to do about it: Similar to any other health issue, it’s important to be compassionate and supportive of a partner struggling with mental health. You can gently bring up that you want to keep prioritizing your sex life together so your wife understands how you feel and so you can mutually find ways to work on this part of your lives while still being sensitive to her struggles. It may be helpful for her to speak with her doctor about her struggles with libido, if relevant, to see if an adjustment in her treatment plan may help. What to do about it: Don’t jump to conclusions. Open a conversation with your wife about how she’s feeling about you and the marriage, big picture, and go from there. Maybe there are areas of your marriage to be worked on, maybe a little couples’ therapy will make a big difference, or maybe it’s time to consider whether this marriage is really worth holding on to. What to do about it: Remember that it’s OK to not want sex with your partner sometimes. Accept her no lovingly, masturbate, and initiate again another day. If the lack of interest becomes an ongoing pattern, consider any of the above potential reasons. Most importantly, talk to her about it! Only your wife herself can tell you the exact reason why she’s not interested in having sex with you. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
