Here are 12 truths about defensiveness that can help us better understand this self-protecting impulse. In understanding defensiveness better, we can learn to dismantle it as a habit and begin engaging more compassionately and openly in our relationships. It’s important that you learn to work through defensive behavior in a relationship because if we don’t learn how to deal with our grievances head-on, inevitably we deal with them indirectly. Most often this surfaces in more toxic forms: by teasing or making snide comments, holding grudges, or by growing more indifferent to our partner over time. So in times of defensiveness—when your natural self-protection instincts set in—see if you can tap into our naturally coexistent desire to connect. Remember the enduring connection from that first stage of love, and try to access the feelings that first made you predisposed toward generosity and understanding at the outset of your relationship. In regards to defensive behavior, some people are just more prone to it. Some people have nervous systems that respond more frequently and intensely to sensory stimulation. They may have a more exaggerated startle response than other people do, even in the same family. They may often hear themselves described as “too sensitive” or “thin-skinned.” People who are more prone to defensiveness may perceive an attack in certain situations in which people with resilient and calm temperaments would perceive none. Experiment with viewing the situation from different vantage points.
