Part of the reason jealousy causes us to feel so uncomfortable is that we typically think of it as a toxic and unhealthy emotion—something to rid ourselves of ASAP. So we add on a layer of self-blame or even a layer of fatality (i.e., if there’s jealousy in the relationship, it must be doomed). Yet thinking this way is precisely what makes jealousy feel insurmountable, even though negative emotions are a totally normal thing to feel. The lack of communication can be destructive to your relationship though, which is why talking through your jealousy is key to keeping it from becoming toxic. It’s important to deal with jealousy in a relationship openly, because in excess and in secrecy is where it festers. So what to do about it? Well, if you can, in the context of the conversation, pipe in! Odds are, your partner will pick up on your hope to shift gears. If not, wait it out, and explain how you’re feeling once the other person has left. Plain and simple, admit to your jealousy: “Hey, I felt kind of jealous when X came up to us at the party. I felt like they were giving you a lot of attention, and I felt left out.” From there, you can hash it out and clarify expectations. Rather than probing the jealousy (as it is likely somewhat irrational), simply tell your partner you’re not feeling your best. You may even say something like, “Listen: I’m super happy for you about X. But I’m just having a rough time right now. Do you mind if we talk about it later?” You can be happy and reassuring and also honest. After class (to keep with this example), you may casually say to your partner: “Ha. I felt kind of jealous in yoga when the teacher complimented you. Want to help me with my handstand?” You aren’t being competitive or trying to outperform them. You’re just being honest, and that will bring you closer. So it can feel painful when we learn from someone else something about our partner that we were unaware of—even if it’s totally nonthreatening. Say you are with your mutual friend, and he tells you about your partner’s insane talent at painting. I had no idea she painted! you think. You may feel jealous: Why does our friend know about her painting hobby and I don’t? Again, it may be quite irrational. But still be honest: Very straightforwardly ask her why she didn’t tell you, and tell her it made you feel jealous or bad. She’ll either have a reason, or she won’t—but she probably didn’t intend to hurt you. This doesn’t mean you don’t want them to pursue their new thing—but you’re allowed to feel jealous. Tell them! Maybe they had no idea and will invite you on their next run, or to their next spin class. When we communicate our needs, we often find out that other people had no idea we were even feeling a particular way. We can’t assume others can read our minds. Tell your partner, “I’m so happy you had so much fun. At the same time, I felt kind of jealous that I was totally not a part of it.” You may suggest doing a special activity or going on a trip together. Of course you’ll be a secondary (or tertiary) concern at times, and that’s fine. But voicing your jealousy to your partner will only make them that much more sensitive and attentive to your feelings, even if there are those moments when they’re getting drinks with friends. But this is a pretty normal reason to feel jealous. You want to feel like the center of your partner’s sexual attention. Say something, kindly but firmly: “It makes me feel jealous when you say things about other guys’ attractiveness in front of me.” Easy enough, right? Open and honest communication is key. Start the conversation with something you appreciate about your partner, then what made you feel jealous—or whichever feeling—and what could be done differently in the future. This can help your partner remain less defensive and provide a road map as to how your partner can support you better in the future. It’s also important to explore your underlying feelings of worth, value, and acceptance of being loved.
