I asked this question of my frequent collaborator, Aimee Hartstein, LCSW. With 20 years of experience counseling singles and couples on relationship issues, she answered without skipping a beat. What is individuation? And why is it so important for your love life (and your happiness in general)? Allow me to explain. We can cherry-pick those behaviors that work for us and discard those that don’t. Is your mother hilarious? Keep that trait. Critical and negative? Dump that. Is your father hardworking? Keep it. Is he emotionally detached? Dump that. As Confucius said, “If I am walking with two other men, each of them will serve as my teacher. I will pick out the good points of the one and imitate them, and the bad points of the other and correct them in myself.” A man will prioritize his mother’s opinions at the expense of his wife’s feelings. A woman will marry a man to avoid her family’s disapproval over the fact that she’s gay. A man will abandon the love of his life rather than stand up to his family’s prejudice about her religion or ethnicity. In enmeshed families, it may be impossible to know whether you’re living your own life or simply pleasing everyone around you. Boundaries communicate, “This is what I believe.” Individuation creates a well-established line in the sand. “It’s a real tragedy when people forgo the opportunity for real joy to please their family. More often than not, they look back at the end of their life with regret that they didn’t take more risks and speak their truth.” “Many clients see their parents as their best friends. They want this relationship to continue unimpeded even after they marry. Once you marry (or commit to a serious relationship), your partner should be your best friend. Anything else is a recipe for disaster—and one that will likely put tremendous strain on the marriage,” said Aimee, the relationship therapist. The shifting of allegiance is not an abandonment of the family of origin. Both relationships can exist harmoniously as long as the family of origin allows for growth and inclusion of new members. Some people choose to leave their family of origin completely. Others create a “new” tribe comprised of friends who share their values. Some remain close to their family of origin while understanding its limitations. Any and all options are good, as long as you feel peaceful and content. Once you individuate, you silence the critics. Their opinions no longer matter. When outside forces are silenced, the inner critic quiets, too. From there, you can step into your power for real productivity and personal fulfillment. Best friends—the kind that form the basis of strong partnerships—are not interchangeable. If you’re lucky enough to find love in this life, embrace it boldly and tend to it with full consciousness.
